My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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