I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
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