I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Randomize
