Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
