planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
