When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
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