i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
