just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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