I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
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