I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
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