yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
