She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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