If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
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