So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
