Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
And the cops told us we were all naked.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Randomize
