Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Randomize
