Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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