Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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