I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
