I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Dignity is for republicans.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
