I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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