Don't you send me to vm
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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