There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Randomize
