Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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