I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
