All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Someone came in the potted fern
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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