I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
