My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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