my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
worst night to have a conscience
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Randomize
