I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
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