Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
me + whiskey = a bad person
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
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