All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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