Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Every concussion has its silver lining
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Randomize
