if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Can't talk, ducks in the car
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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