Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
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