I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
