It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
