Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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