I heard we made out
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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