i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
