today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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