she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I have post one night stand depression
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