Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
