Well apparently he's into motor boating.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
