What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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