I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Randomize
