dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Randomize
