Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
