this just has baby written all over it
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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