ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Randomize
