Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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