We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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